The truth is out there. And we need to spin it. Stat!
A report last month by The New York Times confirmed what those of us who celebrated the crop circles near Larry’s Produce in 2003 have long believed: Extraterrestrial aliens are real.
Just ask the U.S. Department of Defense.
Well, kind of.
The DoD (as insiders call it) may not confirm that extraterrestrials are real, but it takes them
seriously enough to investigate.
The Times reported that an agency called Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program (AATIP) existed for years, getting about $20 million a year in funding from the government until it was shut down in 2012.
Allegedly shut down.
Insiders say it still exists.
AATIP began in 2007, largely at the request of Nevada Sen. Harry Reid (Area 51 is in Nevada, by the way. Coincidence? Hardly). Most of the government money went to a research company headed by a man who told “60 Minutes” that he was convinced that aliens exist and have visited Earth.
They have visited Earth! That part’s obvious. Is there any other explanation for Gilbert Gottfried?
But our government pursued them.
During the AATIP’s years of official standing (which coincided with Alex Smith’s career with the 49ers. Coincidence? Hardly.), the program compiled reports that described sightings of aircraft with technology that went beyond contemporary aeronautical science. The UFOs weren’t possible for humans.
Members also studied video of encounters between UFOs and American military aircraft.
Of course, this is nothing new: The Air Force investigated more than 12,000 UFO sightings from 1947 to 1969 (Which is when Woodstock happened, which allowed the government to ascribe all UFO sightings to brown acid. Coincidence? Hardly.).
Regardless, let’s make the obvious jump: UFOs are real and the government knows it. Otherwise, why spend millions of dollars every year?
Fellow humans, we need to be proactive. Aliens are investigating us, so we need to communicate with them.
The next step is to fashion our message. They are among us.
I’m here to help and the work begins with where marketing professionals always begin: Who is our audience? What is our message? How do we best communicate it?
Audience: It’s obviously extraterrestrials who are curious enough to visit us.
Message: It should be simple: Don’t hurt us. We stay in peace. We want to be your friend. Phone home. Dilly dilly.
Method: Social media is likely outdated to anyone with technology to visit far-off planets. Television and radio signals – the preferred method in decades past – are already passe on Earth. Sometimes the best method is simple and here’s my recommendation:
Reprint this column. Leave it out for the aliens to see. Refer extraterrestrials to the Daily Republic web page. Read it aloud, in case they’re listening.
And if you’re an ET and you’re reading this, here’s what we have to say:
Don’t hurt us.
We stay in peace.
We want to be your friends.